Why Willpower Isn’t the Key to Sustainable Habit Change (and What Helps Instead)

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January is all about motivation and willpower.
Strength of mind. Follow-through. Discipline.

Surely, we’re strong enough to resist sugar, cook more meals with vegetables, and get to the gym three times a week. Of course we are. Of course I am.

We have new gym clothes.
We have a new Instant Pot.
This week, it feels like we can do anything.

And yet… pretty soon, it will be February.

And many of us will notice that our motivation has quietly slipped away.

Old habits have momentum. They’re familiar. Comfortable. They require less effort than change. And when willpower fades—as it inevitably does—it’s easy to assume something has gone wrong.

That we didn’t try hard enough.
That we lack discipline.
That maybe we’re just lazy.

But what if that story isn’t true?

What if the problem isn’t a lack of discipline—but the way we’ve been taught to approach change?

A Personal Example

Right now, I’m feeling motivated to start a weightlifting routine at the gym. I'm almost 55, strength training is important for my bone health, and a part of me genuinely wants to do this.

And there’s another part of me that does not want to do this at all.

The gym feels intimidating. It will take effort. I’ll need to rearrange my weekly routine to make it happen. Honestly, part of me would rather stay home. It can feel like it will require an enormous amount of willpower just to walk through the door.

It would be easy to label that resistance as laziness.

But what if I’m not lazy?

What if willpower isn’t actually the missing ingredient?

What if there’s another way to approach change altogether?

Why Willpower Alone Doesn’t Lead to Sustainable Habit Change

Most of us have been taught that habit change works like this:

• Decide what you want
  
  
• Try harder
  
  
• Push through resistance
  
  

This model assumes a few things:

• That we are a single, unified self
  
  
• That we have endless energy and motivation
  
  
• That change happens through force
  
  

But human beings don’t actually work this way.

We’re complex. Adaptive. Protective. Our behaviors are shaped by stress, fatigue, past experiences, and nervous system patterns. When resistance shows up, it’s often doing something important—trying to keep us safe, comfortable, or regulated.

Resistance isn’t dysfunction.
It’s information.

A More Accurate View of Habit Change

Sustainable habit change doesn’t happen through force. It happens in the context of:

• Safety
  
• Support
  
• Self-understanding
  

Most of us have parts of ourselves that want change—and parts that are cautious, overwhelmed, or protective. When we ignore or override those parts, they tend to push back harder.

But when we get curious—when we listen instead of judge—something shifts.

Change becomes more spacious.
More humane.
More possible.

Sustainable change happens when we work with ourselves, not against ourselves.

What Actually Helps Habits Stick

In my case, the solution wasn’t “more willpower.” It is support.

I have built a support squad at the gym—my husband and my sons. We are turning this into a family gym date. We’re taking it slowly, adding just a couple of new exercises at a time. Yes, it changes the flow of our evenings, but now it’s social. Connected. Enjoyable. We even share dinner together afterward.

This approach includes:

• Curiosity instead of self-criticism
  
• Consistency over intensity
  
• Relational support—being witnessed, encouraged, and not doing it alone
  

And suddenly, the habit doesn’t feel so heavy.

Why Support Matters

This is what I see again and again in my work.

Lasting change is rarely about trying harder. It’s about creating conditions that make change feel safer and more sustainable—supportive relationships, compassionate structure, and guidance that meets us where we are.

This is where coaching and community-based support can be so powerful:

• Coaching offers a space to explore what’s underneath habits, without judgment.
  
• Ongoing membership or group support provides rhythm, accountability, and encouragement over time.
  

Not as a fix—but as a companion on the path.

A Kinder Way Forward

If you’ve struggled to maintain habits in the past, there’s nothing wrong with you.

You’re not broken.
You’re human.

And you might simply need more support—not more willpower.

As you reflect on the changes you’re hoping to make this year, you might gently ask yourself:

What kind of support would help this feel more possible?

That question alone can open the door to a much kinder, more sustainable path forward.

If this way of approaching change resonates, you don’t have to do it alone.

I offer ongoing community support through the Vibrant Soulful Membership, as well as individualized health and wellness coaching for those who want to a more personalized, supportive approach to change.